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ConfessionsCorner
BY DEB MITCHELL
Facebooking An Ex ... The Ultimate Guilty Pleasure
So I looked an ex-boyfriend up on Facebook the other day.
It might be a symptom of my impending 40th birthday, or just an unavoidable side effect of being on Facebook, but I had a feverish need to know how the almost-20 years since he dumped me have treated him. It was the ultimate guilty pleasure, something like easing PMS with a little too much chocolate — at once euphoric and nauseating. And there he was, the guy I was once head-over-heels in love with.
He had been “that guy” — blond, tousled hair, beautiful green eyes, V-taper athletic build, and calves to die for. The guy whose values and life goals seemed at the time to match mine so perfectly that there could be no option but to marry him.
And there she was, his now-wife. The girl who, in my brief absence during our dating relationship, asked my ideal-guy to her sorority formal. He went. And then he dumped me.
For my purposes here, I'll call him “Adonis.” She can be “Cheater Girl.”
Though appropriately passive-aggressive to the happy couple at the time, I was a puddle of self-doubt and confusion to our mutual friends. They occasionally indulged me with tidbits of information about Adonis and Cheater Girl’s relationship: I knew when they had their first official date, when they became exclusive, when he bought her a ring.
My now-confident self is head-shakingly ashamed to say that, through all of this, I held out pathetic hope that Adonis would see the light and return to me.
My feelings for Adonis did a 180, though, when I heard that, despite the fact that their wedding was well into its planning stages, Adonis told Cheater Girl he wasn’t sure if he could go through with it — because she was overweight.
Cue the angry mob with torches and pitchforks. Really, Adonis? Really?! Despite the fact that Cheater Girl and I were natural enemies, I felt for her. What kind of man cheats with, dates, and proposes to a woman, and then tells her he is bothered by her weight?
In what I can only presume to be an attempt to pick his knuckles up off the ground and evolve a little, Adonis eventually decided to go ahead with the wedding. I’ll be damned if Cheater Girl didn’t join Jenny Craig and marry him!
My own evolution regarding Adonis and Cheater Girl became complete with this revelation: Adonis wasn’t good enough for me — or her, or any woman, for that matter — and Cheater Girl simply wasn’t strong enough to walk away. I dodged that bullet despite myself. And I’m smart enough to see it just that way.
But here’s the best of it: There they were on Facebook, Adonis and Cheater Girl, smiling into the camera. She looks the same — still beautiful, still curvy — but decidedly more fit than him. That’s right. I am here to tell you (with a mix of pleasure and shame — but, really, mostly pleasure) that Adonis has gained considerable weight.
I’m not just talking about a little spare tire. Oh, no. It’s the kind of full body, face-puffing weight that even a headshot couldn’t hide.
Now, let me be clear: It isn’t the weight itself that makes me giddy with delight. It’s the sheer irony, the karma, the universal vengeance of it.
ADONIS. IS. FAT.
And the shoe, as they say, is on the other foot.
Don't you just LOVE Facebook?
Huntersville-based Deb Mitchell is a freelance writer and mother of three who manages to carve out time for the important things in life … like a little fun on Facebook.
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